Friday, December 22, 2006
I love you , mom.
I dont know where to begin.
When i went to your bedroom and asked what are you going to get me for my birthday, you then jokingly questioned, "What did you get me for my birthday?"
I then remember faintly , on your birthday , you were out with your friends the whole day. I used the excuse saying that since you were out with your friends, i couldnt get you a present. I know its a stupid excuse. Anyway , you continued watching TV.
I thought, when did i ever even last get you anything? Moments ago, i thought hard. It was a clear night, i drew you a card on a drawing paper and i brought it to you and wished you Happy Mothers Day. I remember you smiling with joy, your eyes gleamed, dad looks surprised. We were happy , i was young.
Then , you and dad got divorced. I was a by-stander. Frankly, that time i didnt care or maybe i did. I just had so much fun in my teenage life , i never wanted home. My popularity grew among my friends , i just found so much comfort in them that i never wanted you. You would blame everybody else in the world but yourself. Because you couldnt handle the pain, i deemed you weak. Maybe you never had the friends i had, you were such a wreck.
I realised that it wasnt really anything about that but the different things we have to worry about. Who will have to worry for my future? You. Who have to worry about the bills? You. Who have to worry we have food to eat ? You. That's why you were weaker? Maybe.
For me, i just live.
You always said i changed. I became notorious , rude and something you never wanted me to be. We then drifted apart, there were no longer the days of Baystreet 21, the Pier, the stanford hotel buffet and the Long Beach......with dad.
Now, you would then talk to me as though i'm still at 12 year old . Worrying over the slightest things, using those mushy tone, seriously i cant stand it. Maybe its the pride and the ego i have as a teenager , maybe its so fuckin irritating to be treated like a child. I will then get pissed, then i will speak to you so loud, we quarrel.
We would quarrel because of many issues. Mostly money issues. You often said that you do not have enough money asking me to scrimp . Then i look around the house, bascially we have enough food for everyday, seeing no signs of poverty. I would feel that you are being stingy, not bearing to part with the money for the things i want. I would think that you are lying. You lie, you often lie. Admit it, though you are my mum , you are not perfect. The reason you lie? You are naive enough to believe that i am naive enough to believe it.
You often said that your goal was for me to study hard. When i got good grades for my studies , i would demand a reward. Ya , so typical of me. Most of the time , you would refuse to buy me anything. I would argue that since i try so hard for my studies, its only right i get something in return. My confession : You could say i was just lucky to get good grades , maybe i mixed with the right crew that encouraged me to study. Believe me , studies isnt really one of my priorities till now. Ha.
Its a sad thing that parents cant get what their child wants. If i'm a parent and if my son wants a guitar and i have no capabilities to buy him a guitar, i would feel lousy. But , i looked around my room, i seem to have everything. A friend even said I live the life of a prince. Its not that I dun have guitars or anything, its just that i'm greedy i always want the best.
I ought to appreciate but it seems i dont.
I want you to know that i do love you but i will never say it in words to you. Maybe i just have too much pride stuck-up my mouth or maybe its the way i was being brought up . I hope someday i will say it , but definetly not tomorrow or anytime soon. I just want you to know that everytime i had a quarrel with you on the phone , i am thankful that i could see you at home.
I will be what i want to be , and if what i want to be is not what you want me to be, then please accept me. I will bear the concequences, with you if anything goes wrong. So please , dont tell me what to be.
someday , i will regret some things i did.
someday , you would.
If i didnt have the chance to say those words , at least there's this letter and please if you ever read this, dont fuckin cry. =D.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Lady in green.
It was a 5.20pm on the 13th december 2006. Rain was pouring down... My doors slammed. After studying for 10 minutes , i decided ( as usual ) to take a break deluding myself that i need the laptop to check the time and venue for tomorrow's exam.
The thunder roared, it roared again...so frigtening. It was almost if there was an explosion. I then looked out my window, i saw a figure , a lady , simply dressed with a green t-shirt taking a tiny umbrella strolling very slowly. I observed.....
Then, she made a slight jump. I was stiffened, with curiosity at least. It roared again. I watched very closely, she was still walking, though this time even slower. She was afraid, i could tell. Then a cab drove towards her, then past her. I was wondering why didnt the cab-driver offer a ride , i believed her destination was close, or she wouldnt be walking. Within seconds , i let the cab off my sight.
Then it roared again. My ears told me hear how loud it was but my eyes wouldn't get off the lady, the lady in green. The umbrella then begin to swirve. Thoughts of her not making it ran through my mind. I wouldnt worry, cause i was watching.
Thunder kept roaring for the next 3 minutes....
She continued walking.....
Then she got out of sight.
I thought to myself, that's the most beautiful 7 minutes i've ever seen in my life. I smiled.
Then it roared again.... I could feel victory.
The lady was carrying supporting her child with one hand, with the child clinging on to her mother's neck, another hand carrying the umbrella.